Not Now, Not Ever
by Chelsea and Ashley
Summary: After Axel’s death Roxas is traumatized and resorts to cutting to relieve the pain. But what happens when he cuts too deeply.? Warning: Rape,Angst,Yaoi, Akuroku. Slight Rokureno one-sided. LEMON.
1. Chapter 1

hello:D i had a random spurt of inspiration and homework was making me depressed. so i wrote this. Chelsea said she liked it so i put it up here. -Ashley

Prologue

Roxas' p.o.v.

I sit in my room, knife in hand. There is no real reason for me to live… Since _he_ is not here. He gave everything to me. I still remember his last word before he faded away.

'I wanted to see Roxas. He…was the only one I liked…. he made me feel, like I had a heart.'

Of course this was when I was a part of Sora. I watched him leave to who knows were from the back of my others mind. I clench my eyes tight to block out the image of his body fading away. He always said he cared about me. I thought he was delusional. I mean we couldn't feel after all. But know, this feeling in my chest that I never thought I could have is getting unbearable.

At first I was scared. I halfheartedly brought the blade to the skin on my arm and pressed. I knew I wasn't going to get far like that. I pushed a little harder. Under the blade my skin turned red but nothing happened. I was just about to give up when I saw a tiny amount of red pool at the thin line. This time with renewed vigor I put the blade to my skin and pulled it across slowly. It hurts, but… it's worth it, the burn is just what I have been waiting for. Watching the red pool and then drip was like nothing else. The blood. Oh. It's beautiful. Right now I don't even care about the pain, all I want is to watch the blood drip down. Like watching my pain flee my body. With this I can momentarily forget **him**.

I don't need anything else.

Yeah. I pause my thought to watch the blood continually flow. I think I can make a habit out of this.

* * *

My life continues still after Axel's has stopped. Day by day I go through the same routine. I wake up every morning, go to school, come home, and then sleep. The only thing that pulls me through each day was the time when I can wash out my pain with a more bearable pain. As I sit on the bus I think about my life and what it has come to. I'm nothing. I'm useless, what I have become is worthless. My thoughts make my insides squirm, but I don't stop. I don't even try I'm afraid of what I will find when I do.

I walk through the park on my way home examining the falling orange leaves as I pass by, safely on the sidewalk. I disregard the Green grass and benches holding people I know nothing about, leaving them all behind me. I wish I could leave the memories of axel behind just like those people. No matter how hard I try the memories of him just wont fade. Sometimes I think I'd rather not forget about him. That I'd rather relish the fact some one actually cared about me. I laugh at the thought then pull my sweatshirt closer to my body as the cool fall air sends a chill down my spine.

I come up to my house and go in. no one is home, as usual. I make my way up to my room. It's dark inside. I lay there, on my bed, memories of nothingness flooding my brain.

"Why did you leave me?" I jump up suddenly yelling into the darkness. The tears welling in my eyes and then streaming down my face fogging my vision. If I left this life, no one would miss me. Fresh tears glide down my face as I realize when I say it now, it **is** the truth.

I sit back down on the edge of my mattress. I can feel how tense I am; my fist clenched on my knees my head hanging low. I just sit there focusing on nothing but the pain that is consuming me.

Soon habit kicks in. I reach for my bed stand to reach the object that would pull me from my pain. I don't even think about what I am doing until I feel the pain. Then I sit and watch the blood. Just as beautiful as the first time I saw it running down my pale skin. At that moment I am flawless. I don't want it to stop. I continue creating more and more deep wounds all over my body. Relishing the pain and gazing at the blood. It was all enough to dazzle me. I continued to watch the blood flow until my thoughts clouded over and I became woozy. That's when I passed out, lying on my bed, covered with deep cuts surrounded in blood.

* * *

review please. contructive criticisms. this is kinda my first fanfic, yay. and they usualy aren't this depressingXD

it will probably take a while for the next update. sorry. i'm realy slow.

thanxs for reading:)


	2. ALTERNATIVE Chapter 2

_Authors Note_

Hi, my name is Chelsea! This is an ALTERNATIVE chapter 2.

Meaning, my friend, Ashley, wrote the first chapter and is planning on continuing it, but I liked it so I couldn't help myself from writing what I thought happened next. She is still going to finish the story(She has a great plot twist D), but her mommy's mean and hogs the computer all day. Well, I have completed this story, so I will post chapter 3 once I get some reviews! )

Enjoy (I hope)!

* * *

Blinding neon lights awakened me from a sleep I had never known I was in.

I reached up in an attempt to banish the haze from my eyes but my actions were quickly brought to a halt as searing pain shot up from both of my arms.

The pain consumed me in an instant. I immediately screamed out incoherent pleas for the torture to cease. Warm tears erupted from my eyes, and I felt like I was drowning in hopelessness.

Who would ever help _me_?

Pain overclouded my senses as I came to a conclusion, _**I'm dying**__._

I….i don't want to die…

_Liar, you want death so badly. He's there waiting, and it's your entire fault. You're making him wait for so long. You could be happy; you could be in his arms. Isn't that what you want?_ My conscience mocked me as the pain continued to elevate.

I thrashed about _**searching and reaching**_ for him, _**yearning**_ for his touch and comfort.

Somewhere seemingly distant, far from the world I was currently engaged in, I was consciously aware of the opening of a door.

Suddenly I could hear the rushed footsteps, I could feel there warm hands pressed against my clammy skin in an attempt to restrain my thrashing, and I could see the needle full of sedatives enter my skin, but that was all. After that I felt _nothing._

* * *

"Your therapist, Reno shall see you now." A nurse explained while motioning to an overbearingly white door.

It must be unnatural for a door to be _**that **_clean.

I reached out for the doorknob but hesitated. Pessimistic thoughts penetrated my mind, successfully drowning me in a sea of self pity.

I sighed knowing that the only things that could help me out of this were my knife or _him._

My knife assisted me in making the exchange of emotional pain for physical pain, but could also get me into predicaments such as this, in which I could live without.

Of course Axel was the only cure for me, but he's dead, thus making me incurable.

I might as well attend this therapy session; I was free from this damned hospital after this anyways. I wasn't planning on returning home, a scolding from my parents was not something I wished to obtain. After this therapy session I was finally going to make Axel cease his waiting.

Content with my plans, I reached for the doorknob and swung the door open.

I gasped, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to clear this illusion. There, right before my eyes was Axel, or was it Axel?

This man's hair was identical to Axel's except for the fact that it was pulled back into a messy ponytail. His normally green eyes were a dazzling blue, and his tear shaped tattoos were now red streaks upon his cheeks.

"A-axel?" I choked out, my voice faltering.

The man eyed me curiously, choosing his words carefully. "I'll be anyone you want me to be, baby." Tears of happiness welled in my eyes. This had to be Axel, for only he would make such a sarcastic remark like that.

I hesitantly walked over to him a small smile gracing my features.

* * *

Reno's POV

What was with this kid? Axel? Who the hell is that!

Like it really matters I thought, this kid might actually not struggle as much as the others.

I watched as he hesitantly made his was over to me.

This kid was gorgeous; his eyes were deep and blue like the ocean.

His hair was blonde and styled in a messy way; while his fragile lips were a soft pink.

His skin was strikingly pale, and by the looks of it smooth. Hell, I would have called him flawless if it wasn't for the deep lines of cuts plaguing his arms. The young blonde finally made his way over to me, but stopped. Emotions flashed over his face; I could tell he was contemplating what to do next, but I was going to make his thought process end. I smirked as I reached out to stroke his cheek….


	3. ALTERNATIVE Chapter 3

Authors Note: Well, this is the ending for the Alternative Part of the story. Ashely is still going to finish her part of this story. Don't expect any updates soon though, because Ashley's grounded(Again).

Well, I'd like to thank the three people who took the time to review. I love you guys!

I would also like to thank my awesome beta reader, TeaCups.

Enjoy!

* * *

Roxas's POV

I sighed as I felt a smooth hand caressing my cheek. Surprise overtook me and I gasped as I was being pulled unexpectedly into "Axels'" warm lap.

"Relax." His silky voice commanded. I shuddered in pleasure as I felt his warm tongue lick the shell of my ear. His actions were quick to remind me of my needs that I had been denied from since Axel's supposed death. I hastily positioned myself so that I was straddling his hips. I gazed into his eyes before I felt his soft pink lips being pushed onto mine. This kiss was sloppy and full of lust, but nothing more. It was lacking something important, but I couldn't tell what. I was too distracted by the current situation. My train of thought was immediately cut short as he slid his tongue across my lips, begging for entrance. For some reason I couldn't deny him. I parted my lips and allowed him to slip his warm tongue into my mouth. I moaned at the feeling of our tongues clashing for dominance. I was quick to submit as his tongue explored my hot wet mouth. Feeling the need for contact, I tentatively thrust my hips down and was met with a gasp escaping from the red head's mouth. Something was wrong, why was there only desire, but no love? _Because this isn't Axel. How could you forget his mesmerizing emerald green eyes? You dirty whore, you could care less about Axel. All you want is to get fucked. _No, that wasn't…true! This…This had to be Axel, Right? My eyes widened as I felt his hands stroking my sides before they sneakily pulled my pants down. Unfortunately, I realized that my conscious was right.

"W-wait, you're…you're not Axel."

"Nope," He stated as he carried me over to the couch in his office. "Name's Reno, make sure you scream it." He whispered seductively as he set me down upon his couch.

"I...I don't want this." I pleaded pathetically.

"Did I ask for your opinion?" He stated as he removed his own pants.

"P-please just stop." I begged as I felt my eyes well up with fresh tears.

"Sorry, no can do; and I do believe it was you who came on to me." He smiled sadistically as he spread my legs apart, drinking in the sight of my naked body. He positioned himself in between my legs and thrust down inside of me. I immediately cried out in pain, it was simply too much too fast. He ignored my protest and I heard him groan at the feeling of my tight heat incasing around him; he began to move. The pain was so overbearing, I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying out. I wanted to yell at him, beg for him to stop, but I couldn't find my voice. He pulled himself out, only to thrust violently back in. I braced myself for the inevitable pain that was soon to pulse through my body, but I was met with a much different sensation. I screamed in pleasure as he hit the tiny bundle of nerves that drove me wild. I felt disgusted with my actions but I couldn't stop myself from thrusting my hips upward. Over and over again he assaulted my prostate until I could no longer hold it in. I shuddered as I came, feeling sickened with myself. Reno quickly followed suite, and I could feel his warm liquid being emptied into me. He pulled out of me and walked casually to his desk. He slowly put his pants on before directing his attention back to me.

"Well Roxas, looks like our time is up. As much as I enjoyed our session together, I do believe I have other patients I need to tend to." I looked at him in disbelief. Did he do this to all of his patients? Reno smirked and pointed to a crumpled pile of clothes. "Put those on, and you're free to leave." I quickly did as I was told, and slid my pants over my blood stained legs. I dejectedly walked towards the door, anxious to leave this wicked man's office. "Oh, and Roxas, feel free to come back anytime." I shuddered at the malicious tone of his voice as I steeped out of his office. I hastily walked towards the exit of the hospital. I kept my gaze cast downwards; I was too ashamed to meet anyone's eyes. I sighed as I pushed the door open; my freedom was soon to come. The cool winter wind chilled my face as I stepped outside into the cruel, cold world. I anxiously began my half-mile trek to the closest bridge. Ironically, Axel and I had spent some of our best moments on that bridge. It was a shame everything had to end there. Every step I took brought me closer and closer to my demise. I had never felt more nervous in my life. I was_** tainted **_now_**,**_what if he no longer desired my presence? _Of course he won't want you. Who could ever love a slut like you?_ I gritted my teeth, as much as I knew these thoughts were true, I had no desire to hear them. I couldn't stop tears from streaming down my face and I began running as fast as my weak legs would allow. My whole body ached from my previous encounter with _Reno. _I loathed him more than humanely possible. If Axel no longer desired to be with me because of that monster, I swear I would get my vengeance.I wanted so badly to be with Axel, but my limp was preventing me from going any faster. Rain fell from the sky, as if an attempt to cleanse me. I smiled sadly as the rain danced across my face. The grey sky matched my suicidal mood, and the rain that now gushed from the sky penetrated my body. In the distance I could make out the familiar shape of the bridge. A smile graced my features as I realized I would soon be with Axel. Even if he didn't want me, maybe he would pity me and allow me to indulge myself with his presence. I grunted in pain as I lifted myself up onto the side of the bridge. I gazed downward and was met by the beautiful site of the dark infinite waters that were soon to engulf me. I laughed and for the first time in what seemed like ages I was actually happy. Tears sprung to my eyes but this time they were tears of relief. I couldn't contain my feelings; I wanted the world to know how much I loved him.

"Axel, I love you!" I screamed manically. "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" And then I jumped.

I was plummeting further into the dark waters. Salt blurred my vision and water penetrated my lungs. I thrashed around desperately without reason. My mind was clouding over and I could tell I was losing consciousness.

"_Roxas?" _I wasn't stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, but this time I _knew _it was Axel.

"I-I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to…he wouldn't stop… I just… I couldn't."

"_Roxas I never blamed you for anything that happened. I know it isn't your fault, if I was still alive I would have killed that bastard." _I smiled. I was glad to know he still wanted me. Suddenly my chest felt tight and rigid. I gasped realizing this was the end. _"Roxas, why do you struggle? Don't you want to be with me? I thought you loved me."_

"I do, more than anything. It's just I'm scared. Does dying hurt?"

"_I won't let it hurt. Don't be afraid, I love you Roxas."_ I felt strong arms wrap themselves around me, they quickly diminished my fears. If this was dying, here in Axel's arms, I didn't mind it at all. My vision went blank and I was sinking in his grasp to the bottom of the ocean. My wish was finally granted, I was once again with him. His final words rang through my head for all eternity. _"I'll love you through life and death."_


End file.
